Singles looking for dating advice are anxious to hear hot tips for meeting singles or how to write their online dating profile to attract ‘the one’ or ways to turn a first date into a serious relationship.
These are interesting but if you’re a serial dater these won’t help you make the breakthrough you need to find true love. For that, you need to examine your past relationships.
This isn’t about blowing off steam with friends, giving a laundry list of what was wrong with each of your past dates.
This is about spending time looking at each of your past serious relationships and asking these four questions:
- What were the positives about this person?
- What were the negatives?
- Why did the relationship end?
- What did you learn from the experience?
If you want to find your true love, then you have to do this honestly and that’s why it helps to work through these questions on your own. You don’t have to share your answers with anyone and you don’t have to worry that someone may judge you. You might find it helpful to write down your answers.
There is no time limit on how far back you go. In fact, the further back you go, the better. Sometimes this activity shows relationship patterns that started in high school and continued from there. These behaviors may have been established many years ago even to the point that they are subconscious and but for this exercise you would be unaware of them.
Similarly, you don’t get to exclude any relationships. That means that even if you were married for twenty years, the relationships you saw as serious before your marriage count. Just as there is no time limit, including all your past serious relationships will help to reveal behavior patterns that would otherwise be missed.
When you consider why the relationship ended, it might be interesting to record what you thought at the time and what you think now. Time and maturity often bring a different perspective. Maybe there are aspects of the relationship that you understand differently now than you did then.
You may not have seriously considered what you learned from the relationship before – you may have just sworn never to date another policeman or accountant again. Dig deeper and understand the specific behaviors about the person that clashed with your values. Perhaps they were super-organized and were inflexible or lacked spontaneity? Perhaps they were overly-committed to their work and were repeatedly late for dates or canceling at the last moment? Perhaps you modified your own behavior in response to a partner and even though that partner is history, you’ve maintained that behavior?
By the time you complete this activity, you’ll have new insight into the values and characteristics that are important to you in a life partner. Use these to screen potential dates and you’ll be well on your way to breaking that pattern of first dates.
The Relationship Scan is a Fit4love activity. Fit4love is the dating coaching program designed to help singles find the love of their life. The program is available through certified Fit4love coaches and now as the Fit4love Self-Study Program. Watch this short video presentation to find out more.
Photo credit: ©2013 Jupiter Images Corporation